Tuesday, January 11, 2005

This Week in Glamour: What Makes the Perfect Woman?

Believe it or not, I have sometimes been accused of being less than sensitive to women's feelings when describing the..."boneableness" of a broad. So, to clear up any confusion, I've come up with a flawless rating system for women that not only takes appearance into consideration, but also personality and presence of venereal disease.

10. This is purely hypothetical, but her features would most likely include (but not be limited to) having multiple vaginas and an ability to perform oral sex while cooking.
9. Still mostly relegated to folklore, a rating of 9 is reserved for only the most beautiful and quiet of women.
8. The highest realistic rating on the scale, 8's are usually downgraded to 7's or 6's after their inevitable psychotic tendencies start to emerge. This emergence generally takes 2-3 weeks to arrive, like something you order off of TV.
7. Beautiful, but not full of herself, a 7 is marriage material.
6. 6's come in two forms: 1) Good-looking, but a huge bitch, the majority of women fall into this category. 2) Funny, great personality, but let's face it, Ray Charles would struggle to get wood, even with a bag over her head. But then again he's dead, so there you go.
5. 5's are a dime a dozen. They are a combination of two or more of the attributes from list one and list two.

List 1:
semi-attractive face

List 2:
large benign tumors
sexually transmitted diseases

4. It starts to go downhill from here. A 4 most likely is coherent and generally aware of their surroundings, but is morbidly obese or ugly beyond the possibility of surgical repair.
3. 3's contain the unattractive physical characteristics of a 4, but lack a conscious understanding of time, thought, or their own existence.
2. Now we start to get to the other extreme end of the spectrum, and just as was the case with 10's and 9's, 2's and 1's are rare, if not mythical. A 2 would not only possess numerous distinguishable hideous physical disfigurements, but also a severe mental condition that could lead to violent outbursts.
1. 1's are literally beyond my comprehension. And although evaluating such a disgusting woman is outside my professional qualification, I would have to assume that coming in physical contact with a 1 would undoubtedly have serious consequences on a man's long-term sexual function.

Feel free to leave your own lists/hateful repsonses in the comments.


Blogger Kara said...

Wow. You've got us women down!

I'd put myself between 7 and 6 (section 1), but only if you were to exlude the giant left hand growing out of the side of my neck.

Oh, and I had no idea that men would actually LIKE the fact that I have multiple vaginas. Good to know, I'll have to bring it up more in conversation! And, of course, cancel my appointment with the surgeon to remove the sixth vagina I so lovingly call "Sparkles."

6:51 PM, January 11, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Besides being totally misogynist, it's discriminatory and unfair to neglect ratings of asexuals, bisexuals, hermaphrodites, homosexuals, lesbians, men, pansexuals and transsexuals. Or why not just describe a hairy troglodyte, moron or yourself with which you're more familiar.

10:32 AM, March 16, 2010  

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