Monday, April 04, 2005

If I Wasn't Already Going to Hell, I Definitely am Now

If you don't already know by now that the pope died a few days ago, you're probably going to hell with me. It's OK though, I hear that it's been unseasonably cool there lately. And I guess I'll see you there. If you want to find me, I'll be the one wearing a 1991 walkman, listening to Arizona Diamondbacks games on AM radio. And I have a banana/peach colored 1983 Lincoln Mark VII with broken windshield wipers. If you look in the passenger side window, you'll see a cereal bowl and an empty bag of Nutter Butter minis. I think I might already be in hell now that I think about it.

To get to the point, I'm going to hell because I don't care that the pope died.......at all. When I overheard the news from two girls while I was hiding behind their park bench stealing things from their backpacks so that I could smell them later while I masturbate, it was like hearing the news that a gigantic new whole was found in the ozone layer. 1) it doesn't affect my day to day life whatsoever; and 2) It increases my sunscreen budget by an insignificant 25%. Wait, I guess the pope's death didn't really increase my sunscreen budget directly. Bad example. Anyway, who gives a shit if the pope died? Even if I was catholic or even remotely religious, I don't think that I would care. Not because I'm a bad person. I mean, that's true, but the real reason is that whenever someone dies, I always ask myself the same question: What have they done for me lately? All that I could come up with for the pope was a tape I saw once of him watching a performance of break dancers. And that only gave me a chuckle, at best. Why should I be sad over the death of someone who devoted their lives not really to helping people, but more to reading a bunch of shit in Latin and randomly distributing incense. Ok, I'll admit that I don't really know anything about the pope, or any of the good things that he may have done over the one thousand years or so since God or somebody made him the pope. But think about it, I've read a bunch of things in a real language like English and no one is going to remember me when I die. So why should the pope be remembered? I'll let everyone think about that for a while.

In closing, when remembering someone who has recently passed away, it is essential for the people who are left behind to think of themselves, rather than the legacy or achievements of the deceased person. It is in this way that we truly honor the memory of people who were too old to contribute anything meaningful to society or make rational decisions. I hope that my post has helped somewhat in your mourning process, and may the new pope bring many years of joy to your blackened hearts.

7 Comments:

Blogger Rachel Norfleet said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:09 PM, April 04, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am deeply disturbed by these comments. I am Catholic, and one time I captured the Pope and he granted me three wishes. He was a good man... A good, magical bastard...

7:41 AM, April 05, 2005  
Blogger Agent_LAH said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog...come back more often.

Oh, and I'll be wearing a pair of strappy sandals and a white bandanna, watching old episodes of Sex and the City...see ya there!

9:13 PM, April 05, 2005  
Blogger Blue LP said...

I guess if we're all gonna share our pope anecdotes I should chime in with mine.

I got to know John Paul through the chatrooms connected to Yahoo Games: Checkers. Turned out the old man liked to troll through the chatroom in the early morning hours and talk checkers strategy with the regulars.

He was a quiet man, but he sure was feisty when he disagreed with you! My, if I had a nickel for every time he called me a cocksucker or a son of a bitch.

He had quite the sense of humor though...all those times he pretended to condemn me to hell, then later let me in on his joke as I sweated it out. Ahh, I'll miss him.

In the end, I think he was simply a good, decent man who wanted the same thing a lot of us want: pussy.

9:36 PM, April 05, 2005  
Blogger Yoj said...

Poor poor Pope. *yawn*

I'll be right next to Agent LAH, sporting cut off shorts, a beer bong and a carton of Camel Lights.

Rockin' blog btw- I'm crackin' up.

6:04 AM, April 06, 2005  
Blogger Rowan said...

The Pope is dead?! Just kidding, I knew he died the day after he died. I don't watch the news. I can't do anything about it, so what's the point in worrying about it?

Oh, and I'll be the one wearing the gasoline thong... or what's left of it!

8:58 PM, April 09, 2005  
Anonymous Celia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:43 PM, March 22, 2007  

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