Monday, October 10, 2005

The Asspage Guide to the Origins of National Holidays

Due to the overwhelming popularity of my last post, I've decided to make a short list of some other holidays and how they came to be.

Thanksgiving - This one dates back to 1492 when God took a rib from Christopher Columbus to create the Indians. Indians were later gathered up and herded into designated areas in retaliation for strictly upholding their end of numerous agreements with the American government.

Arbor Day - Arbor Day was made to celebrate the Union victory at the Battle of Arbor in January 1861. When the seven cotton states seceeded from the union, Abraham Lincoln authorized a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Arbor Mississippi in a desperate attempt to free the slaves.

Valentine's Day - Maybe the oldest of the holidays, Valentine's Day was created by an angel named St. Valentine that was sent by God to Earth to subjogate the poor and spread love among the priveleged few that were divinely granted feelings and emotions. The legend of cupid is a little harder to track down. It's mostly derived from myth and folklore. I think at some point in the past, a person saw a baby on Valentine's day. I believe it was holding a bow and arrow of some kind. It may have been hunting.

Easter - This holiday was created in the late 19th century to commemorate the invention of the egg. Although the exact timing is a subject of some debate, most experts believe that sometime around 1980 the holiday was moved to a Sunday in spring in order to coincide with the fledgling Christian celebration of Jesus' resurrection.

Veteran's Day - Veteran's Day is a farely new holiday, created by Major League Baseball to recognize the contributions of players that have been in the league for at least 3 full seasons.

President's Day - Throughout history, democratic societies have elected officials to head their governments. When people want to get off of work in these societies, they create days like President's day. In the United States, the day honors Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Abraham Lincoln is famous for being the first king to be arrested for treason, and George Washington is famous for the huge number of slaves that he bought and sold throughout his lifetime. Sadly, Washington was never recognized while he was alive due to the negative connotation of the time associated with having wooden teeth.

5 Comments:

Blogger Kara said...

You're an f'ing genius.

Heil, bitches.

12:17 PM, October 12, 2005  
Blogger President Preston said...

I'm putting this on my fridge.

Then I'm putting toddlers in my fridge.

Then I'm taking them out and having a delicacy in my country: toddler pops!

MMMM

5:06 PM, October 12, 2005  
Blogger 2nd Hand Smoke said...

that doesn't explain why there are so many damn mexicans here in new mexico

11:02 PM, October 16, 2005  
Blogger Relentless Gibberish Bastard said...

I used these origins in a history paper last week... I got a B-, thanks for the information

5:38 PM, October 19, 2005  
Blogger JB said...

Haha, good stuff, man. Good stuff.

10:58 AM, October 31, 2005  

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