Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Racism, Robot Hookers, and Sexist Jokes

How can I be expected to write posts everyday? I can't even think of things to talk about with my grandma and she can talk for an hour about a trip to the circle K. Maybe a new rule should be that if I don't leave the house all day, I can't write a post. I know that would probably cut my output by at least half, but when I try to write on days like this it just turns into a 3-page movie review of Alien vs. Predator.

What can I talk about? Rosa Parks died today. That's news. I bet she'll be mad when she finds out that heaven is segregated. Wait, what am I saying. I'm sorry, I should think before I write stupid things like that. Everyone knows that women aren't allowed in heaven. Wow, I make jokes like that and I wonder why I don't get laid more often. You know I'm joking ladies. Besides, heaven is full of baseball and robot hookers. You wouldn't like it anyway.

17 Comments:

Blogger 2nd Hand Smoke said...

3 pages on AVP! That's immpressive because the review was longer than the script.
(Ba Bum Bum Da)
But seriously folks, we got a great show tonight.

6:59 PM, October 25, 2005  
Blogger JRae said...

You know what they say, "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere."

So who cares about the ladies that would qualify for heaven anyway? They're lame. :P

10:02 AM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger Rachel Norfleet said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:14 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger gynagirl said...

I wanna be a robot hooker when I grow up...

3:27 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger Relentless Gibberish Bastard said...

I feel so welcome here at the Eubank Sam's Club, it's like I've finally found where I belong! Thank you Murph God bless you and your Eubank Sam's Club!

3:47 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger Relentless Gibberish Bastard said...

what is the deal with my name being down in the middle of comment?

3:57 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger President Preston said...

Can I be in the Eubank Sam's Club?

Also, as a shiney brown guy, I was offended by this.

4:47 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger Blue LP said...

This blog has more name changes than that Las Vegas commercial where the girls keep lying about their names to every guy they meet. Anyone know what I'm talking about? I thought it was another one of those Valtrex herpes commercials the first time I saw it.

8:27 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger JRae said...

Murph, I don't understand how you're not getting laid. Look at that face! You're so cute!!

You need to hang out with indie rock girls or some nerdy bookish girls. Those types would have the sense to dig you. You should've gone to my college, you would be getting laid left and right, two at a time, I'm telling you...

10:13 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger Murph said...

2nd hand smoke,
I've got all the pages you can handle, bro. remember the part where the things jump out of the eggs onto the peoples' faces? That's 3 pages right there.

Jenny Rae,
I would get laid more often, but what my picture doesn't show is that my lower body is morbidly obese. I have to wrap my legs daily with bandages to prevent the folds from rubbing together. I appreciate the gesture though. I like the sexy drunk sheriff look that is going on in your picture. If you weren't taken by a guy named Dan and living 3000 miles away, I would definitely like to take you out to watch "Must Love Dogs" at the discount movie theater here in Albuquerque.

Rachel,
Sadly, some inconsistencies were discovered in the latest Anabasis, Inc. balance sheet. It turns out that 100% of their debt was financed by pyramid schemes that took advantage of elderly widows. Also, if you weren't taken by a guy named facehead, and living 3000 miles away, I would take you out to watch "Sky High" at the discount theater here in Albuquerque.

Gyna Girl,
I say, if you want to be a robot hooker, be a robot hooker. You're gonna run across some doubters along the way that will tell you that humans can't be robots, but those people are just jealous. Also, would you like to go and watch "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with me at the discount theater?

RGB,
We try to create an atmosphere where everyone can feel welcome here at the Eubank Sam's Club, but it is company policy not to sell CD's with explicit content. We do, however, sell machine guns and bulk dildos. I'll see you on Friday to watch "Four Brothers". You know where.

Captain,
Yes, you can be in the club, for the normal membership fee of $40 to become an advantage member. If you would like to upgrade to the Sam's Discover Gold card, I'll need your social security number, or the its Canadian equivalent.

Blue,
I know the commercial you're talking about. When I go to Vegas, I like to tell women that my name is Colonel Klink. That way I don't have to own up to the consequences of my ridiculously inappropriate and dangerous sexual tirade.

10:57 PM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger President Preston said...

40 fuckin dollars?! That's like a million buxx Canadian! Only the lumberjacks and hckey players have that kind of money in this country!

Damnit.

5:53 AM, October 27, 2005  
Blogger gynagirl said...

oh, I am not sure about the whole C&C Factory. The umpa loompa guy looks like my nemesis, Marco. Marco is a 50 yr old gimp from Guatemala I used to work with. He has a gimp because his mother was a dirty whore who didn't pray to Jesus so Marco got Polio. I have called immigration on him hoping to get him deported, but he is legal. After the deportation thing didn't pan out, I was thinking about re-infecting him with polio, but I asked a doctor if you can reinfect someone with polio & he said "no"... If I could get a hold of a syringe, I would sneak up & inject him with air so that he would die, but alas, I am not diabetic or a heroin attict & know none. Well I have know some people who did heroin but they are dead now. I guess I just have to wait for the moment I meet him in a dark alley by accident...

2:01 PM, October 27, 2005  
Blogger Rachel Norfleet said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:42 PM, October 28, 2005  
Blogger 2nd Hand Smoke said...

gynagirl, if you want to kill him AND your a robot hooker, i think the problem solves itself. as far as i know, robot hookers can only safely pleasure robot politicians, because pleasuring a human is fatal, with all the gears and high voltage. anyways, i say you just 'service' the guy you want dead. you win because he'll die, and he wins because he'll die having sex.

12:36 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger gynagirl said...

The thought of having sex with Marco makes me vomit in my mouth. I'd rather gnaw off my own arm & f*ck myself with it than have that bastard anywhere near my vagina...

1:56 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Relentless Gibberish Bastard said...

wow... that was graphic

3:02 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger 2nd Hand Smoke said...

okay gynagirl, that was pretty funny, but combine what you said with rgb's response made me laugh hysterically for about 10 seconds. and 10 seconds is pretty good. longer than a amputated hand induced orgasm

1:16 AM, November 08, 2005  

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