Origins of Holidays: Hanukkah Edition
It all started on a blustery winter day, sometime back when God roamed the plains like an unbridaled mustang. Bartering was the fashion of the day and people were hardworking and wholesome and content with the limited pleasure of the missionary position. However, even with modern conveniences like sandals and portable DVD players, occasionally people of the lower class fell on hard times. This was especially true for minorities and those who depended on God to provide for them.
In the days before the real God was made popular by professional athletes and music videos, those who worshipped him were often looked down upon and, at times, even persecuted. Judah Maccabee and his four brothers were examples of such believers. In response to harsh oppression at the hands of some king, the small group of men formed a resistance organization that they cleverly named "The Maccabees". The king in question was particularly faggish and instead of supporting the Maccabees' movement, he continued in his ways of mistreating his loyal subjects and selling underground videos of homeless people having sex.
After some indeterminate period of fighting, the Maccabees successfully drove the Greco-Syrians out of Wisconsin and proceeded to the Holy Temple. Upon their arrival, however, they noticed that they were tired of writing and wanted to rub one out before bedtime. In order to do this, they would need enough unleaded gasoline to get back home. Although it seemed impossible at the time, the Maccabees drove their Toyota Land Cruiser all the way back to campus without a single stop for gas, and with the needle all the way on the wrong side of E.