Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Ladies and Gentlemen, President Murph

I'm sure you've all thought at one time or another, "Hey, what would it be like if Murph was president?". Well, I think you might mean "if Murph were president". You dumbass. I'm really not sure which one is right. But anyway, I was wondering the same thing. But instead of taking a healthy and proactive approach to striving toward that goal, I've decided to make a ridiculous and offensive list of things that might be different if I was elected to office. I've also decided to completely disregard the inherent limitations of the presidency (and being human) and instead chosen to assume God-like power over all aspects of space and time. So, with that said, here are a few things that would be different if I was elected president of the United States:

1. Special sessions of Congress would be called periodically to discuss the appropriate time that I should wait before calling the girl that I had sex with the previous night.

2. Universal healthcare coverage would immediately become one of the administration's top three priorities, trailing only: 1) Renaming all mosques and Muslim places of worship to "sleeper cell 1, 2, 3...Etc." ; and 2) Rewarding all people of real faith with 3-day passes to Six Flags over Texas

3. Hunting trips would be restored to order by implementing the rule of no shooting in the face or balls.

4. Stem cell research would be federally funded, but experimentation would be limited only to embryos specifically designated by God or mentioned in the Bible. Any person or group engaging in independant research would be subject to public stoning.

5. Any artwork depicting nudity or sexual acts will be hastily draped with pre-screened cartoon clippings of an appealing and pleasing nature. (ex. Ziggy)

Maybe I'll add some more later

9 Comments:

Blogger gynagirl said...

What is your politcal stand on abortion & marijiuana (not medical)?

3:00 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Kara said...

See you folks at the voting booths!

4:10 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Relentless Gibberish Bastard said...

Murph has no official statement on abortion... he is way too high right now... oh, huh, I answered your second one too... did you see that, hu...

1:27 PM, March 09, 2006  
Blogger Goo said...

what do you have against muslims??

am i going to have to assasinate your ass??

10:36 PM, March 11, 2006  
Blogger Murph said...

Everyone knows that muslim is just a synonym for terrorist. And Murph is a synonym for sarcastic dickhole.

10:54 PM, March 14, 2006  
Blogger Goo said...

on an unrelated topic:

murph heheheheh.... murph rhymes with smurf... heh.

if i actually knew you IRL i would call you that. everyday.

1:29 PM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger Relentless Gibberish Bastard said...

Smurfs are among the bluest, and most noble creatures in the forest if you don't believe me ask Gargamel

7:53 PM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger President Preston said...

I'll let it slide. The election post is my gig, but, for the low low price of two thousand cups of one dollar coffee a day, you can remain living.

12:23 PM, March 18, 2006  
Blogger Rowan said...

It's been too long since I visited your page.

You still rock.

8:00 PM, March 20, 2006  

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