Friday, July 28, 2006

Looks Like Suicide Again For Me

Anyone who knows me understands and accepts that I have my own way of dealing with things. Some might call it immoral; others might say illegal or unstable. Whatever floats your boat, my friend. For the purposes of this post, let's just settle on ingenious.

Anyway, today started out just like any other day. I woke up 2 hours late, rubbed one out to a Jewel video on VH1, and then got my electric bill in the mail. While I was going over the usual list of things that I could sell/steal and sell to pay it before all the expired mustard in my fridge was ruined, all of a sudden, it came to me. I realized that suicide would actually be a much easier and smarter way to deal with my temporary problem. Once that decision was out of the way, the only thing left to do was to come up with the coolest way to end it.

The first qualification for any successful suicide is its ability to permanently traumatize a large number of people. Well, since no one loves me, I had to improvise on this. It has to be in public.

Any first-hand witness will inevitably be scarred for life, regardless of whether or not they know me personally. So where do thousands of people gather in Albuquerque where they won't be distracted by price-slashing yellow smiley faces? College football games, that's where.

What some of you might not know about New Mexico is that it sucks. That's why you don't live here. So instead of reading or building a civilization, people all over the state flock to UNM football games to celebrate a proud tradition of losing obscure bowl games. Don't let these fans' illiteracy or lack of connection to the university trick you into thinking that they aren't hardcore Lobo supporters. They never take their eyes off the action. That's exactly what makes this the perfect stage.

I realize that the college football season hasn't started yet, so this doesn't exactly take care of my electric bill right away. I might have to accept being homeless for a couple of months. I guess that's where my committment to this whole idea will really be tested. Assuming that I can live off of the kindness of strangers for two months, I really don't see any other obstacles to my plan. And if I know the intelligence, selflessness, and comedic ability of hobos like I think I do, I really don't see that being a problem.

Consistent with the philanthropic theme of this idea, I've also decided to pay for my own funeral by renting out the space on my body during the suicide to advertisers. I've reached a tentative deal with a poker website called for my upper back, and the Ab Rocker has committed to my ripped mid-section. Pretty much anywhere else is still available if anyone is interested. No adult websites though, there might be children there.


Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Run down on the field dressed like Bugs Bunny, gnaw a carrot, say "I tink I made wrong toin on the way to Albuquerque...oh no, I'm actually here. Fuck!"

Then pull the shotgun from the costume and give yourself a two barrel salute. UNM would not lose the bowl game, because they'd cancel it for brains and mascot costume cleanup! Public service!

3:45 PM, July 28, 2006  
Blogger gynagirl said...

Pretend that you are going to propose to a girl. Keep the costume thing, that is a good idea if you were to blow yer brains out in front of lots of people, that way you can make sure that any time they ever saw the animal you were dressed up as, they would automatically associate it with death. Anyways, make sure that all the local news cameras are on you as you "propose". The general public eats that crap up, then BAM! kiss the barrel. Everyone wins.

4:55 PM, July 28, 2006  
Blogger CHARLIE MONEY said...

your uncanny and faultless sense of logic is the envy of everyone, including myself.

if gynagirl's thoery is correct, then I wouldn't dress up like any animal at all; that way every time witnesses saw a human (assuming you are one) then they could associate them with death. that would be much funnier and possibly lead to more suicides.

7:35 AM, July 29, 2006  
Blogger kitty kat said...

You're wrong, I love you.

And I'd say suicide is an ingenious option for anyone who loves the Boston Red Sox.

Shit, did I say that outloud?

Sorry. Tee hee!

9:08 AM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger Michael said...

My Uncle Rico, who moved here from Italy when he was a kid, was a brillant man.

Regarding your situation, I'd like to share a nugget of wisdom that he once shared with me (after reading about some local suicide in the news):

"Killing yourself won't solve your problems. But, killing other people..." hero.


So hey, killing yourself at a football game will make the news and then people will forget about it. BUT, if you can take everyone else with you...they build monuments for crap like that. :)

However, I think that electricity is pretty overrated. A passing fad, at best.

9:54 AM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Definitely kill other people first...start with autistic children and work your way up to normal adults. It'll take a while, but I bet you start to feel better about yourself real quickly.

11:05 AM, August 03, 2006  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

new mexico is so overrated.

9:50 AM, August 11, 2006  

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