Looks Like Suicide Again For Me
Anyway, today started out just like any other day. I woke up 2 hours late, rubbed one out to a Jewel video on VH1, and then got my electric bill in the mail. While I was going over the usual list of things that I could sell/steal and sell to pay it before all the expired mustard in my fridge was ruined, all of a sudden, it came to me. I realized that suicide would actually be a much easier and smarter way to deal with my temporary problem. Once that decision was out of the way, the only thing left to do was to come up with the coolest way to end it.
The first qualification for any successful suicide is its ability to permanently traumatize a large number of people. Well, since no one loves me, I had to improvise on this. It has to be in public.
Any first-hand witness will inevitably be scarred for life, regardless of whether or not they know me personally. So where do thousands of people gather in Albuquerque where they won't be distracted by price-slashing yellow smiley faces? College football games, that's where.
What some of you might not know about New Mexico is that it sucks. That's why you don't live here. So instead of reading or building a civilization, people all over the state flock to UNM football games to celebrate a proud tradition of losing obscure bowl games. Don't let these fans' illiteracy or lack of connection to the university trick you into thinking that they aren't hardcore Lobo supporters. They never take their eyes off the action. That's exactly what makes this the perfect stage.
I realize that the college football season hasn't started yet, so this doesn't exactly take care of my electric bill right away. I might have to accept being homeless for a couple of months. I guess that's where my committment to this whole idea will really be tested. Assuming that I can live off of the kindness of strangers for two months, I really don't see any other obstacles to my plan. And if I know the intelligence, selflessness, and comedic ability of hobos like I think I do, I really don't see that being a problem.
Consistent with the philanthropic theme of this idea, I've also decided to pay for my own funeral by renting out the space on my body during the suicide to advertisers. I've reached a tentative deal with a poker website called PokerSuicide.net for my upper back, and the Ab Rocker has committed to my ripped mid-section. Pretty much anywhere else is still available if anyone is interested. No adult websites though, there might be children there.