Thursday, August 03, 2006

Rule #4: Avoid Skeletor

Three rules for a successful job interview:

1. Match the body language of the interviewer
You can't be leaning back in your chair and eating a bag of cool ranch Doritos when your interviewer is sitting like they have a 30-inch dildo duct-taped up their back like a He-Man sword. It's just unprofessional. Conversely, if they're relaxed in their chair, you can't sit there like your trying to make it easier for someone to fuck you in the butt through the hole in the back of the chair. What I'm trying to say is, act like they're the cool kid in middle school. Put your hair in a scrunchie, buy a G.I. Joe lunchbox, do whatever it takes. God knows you're not going anywhere on your talent.

2. This isn't the time for modesty
Sure, in day-to-day conversation you might not feel comfortable bragging, but this is a job interview. If you're gonna trick someone into hiring you, they need to know your strong points. Is your penis over 8 inches? Do you kick ass at Halo? Just like women, respectable business people are fascinated with things like that. Qualifications, education and people skills are overrated. If you have time, earn some bonus points by throwing in some old high school sports stories.

3. Demand respect through your confidence
Every pussy shakes hands. Set yourself apart by hurling feces and making unprovoked threats. Ninety percent of interviewers make up their mind about you in the first fifteen seconds. Make a good first impression by asserting your dominance. Remember, YOU are the alpha male. Have sex with a female passerby, preferably impregnating them. If there is food in the room, immediately stand between it and any challengers. If there are others waiting to be interviewed, secrete liquid from one of your exocrine glands to stave off any further advances.

So, there you have it. Follow these three simple steps and you will be on your way to obtaining the job of your dreams. Guaranteed*.

*100% guarantee that you will immediately get any job on Earth or I will give you $1,000


Blogger Michael said...

I'm fucking dying of laughter here. I'll have to use this if I ever find myself at an interview for Starbucks or MacDonald's. :D

2:28 PM, August 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

speaking of working at shitty places has anyone heard of the college that's going to offer a "Wal-Mart 101" course? it's a course that's supposed to teach all about retail and whatever else wal-mart wants you to know so that when you graduate they can hire you immediately upon graduation. maybe that'll be a better fit for you michael. I'm sure notre dame turns out some pretty mean cashiers...

11:54 AM, August 07, 2006  

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