You're Gonna Have to Say Jap Penis if You Want Me to Laugh
But most importantly, I've grown out of my childish sense of humor. The word "penis" no longer makes me giggle uncontrollably. My new mature taste now requires that "penis" be combined with at least one more sexual phrase or racial slur before I'll even consider chuckling. Now that we've reacquainted ourselves, let's steal from our respective employers by wasting our time on the clock with something wildly inappropriate for work. Besides, I don't know about you, but my boss really doesn't have a legitimate case against me for what I'm doing right now. I'm barely even exposing myself.
For the first post back, I've decided to lay out my thoughts on the recent economic downturn. Instead of wasting time with those corrupt news websites, just sit back and relax and let me condense the most complicated financial crisis in decades into a few poorly structured, ill-informed, profanity-ridden paragraphs. Stick with my advice on enough topics and you won't have to worry about planning for your retirement anyway, you'll die much too young.
First off I'd like to give fair warning and just let you know up front that when I confront an issue, I like to think "outside the box". With "box" in this context of course meaning vagina. I refuse to be clouded by sex while speaking on important issues.
For example, I like to take a different perspective on the economy than you may be used to. You're probably used to hearing political and financial analysts point their fingers at Wall Street or greedy CEO's or inefficient and corrupt government. But I like to focus on how these hard times weigh on Joe Taxpayer. To use a phrase that I just made up right now, "How does what's happening on Wall Street, affect you on MAIN Street." I know, pretty clever, right? So, before you shit on yourself with anticipation, here is my contribution to Section 121 of the proposed bailout plan:
"Nothing in this subsection shall be construed to authorize the public disclosure of information that is - A) specifically prohibited from disclosure by any other provision of law; B) specifically required by Executive order to be protected from disclosure in the interest of national defense or national security or in the conduct of foreign affairs"
.........Ok, so I lied. That doesn't have anything to do with the average person, but I'm pretty proud of it anyway. What I was basically trying to say with that addition is that if anyone tries to link me to gay sex, they can be tortured. Really, I can't take too much credit for the finished product. All I did was write "I ain't no fag" on a napkin and gave it to an intern along with a thesaurus and they rewrote it for me. Also, later in section C, I write in $1.4 billion of Wachovia stock to be donated to T-Boone-Pickens.com.
In the long run, I think overpaying for private companies' bad debt by heaping onto an already massive national deficit will benefit everyone. So in closing, unless you're a rich 72-year old with 9 houses and 13 cars, you may want to take out a hardship withdrawal from your 401k and invest in a Rosetta Stone language DVD and learn Mandarin. Have a great week!