You're Gonna Have to Say Jap Penis if You Want Me to Laugh

Welcome back everyone. I have to say, a lot has changed since the last post. Over a year and a half has come and gone. I've gone "all the way" with at least two girls. The sock next to my bed has gotten harder and harder as a combination of semen and neglect has wreaked havoc on its once soft and smooth exterior.

But most importantly, I've grown out of my childish sense of humor. The word "penis" no longer makes me giggle uncontrollably. My new mature taste now requires that "penis" be combined with at least one more sexual phrase or racial slur before I'll even consider chuckling. Now that we've reacquainted ourselves, let's steal from our respective employers by wasting our time on the clock with something wildly inappropriate for work. Besides, I don't know about you, but my boss really doesn't have a legitimate case against me for what I'm doing right now. I'm barely even exposing myself.

For the first post back, I've decided to lay out my thoughts on the recent economic downturn. Instead of wasting time with those corrupt news websites, just sit back and relax and let me condense the most complicated financial crisis in decades into a few poorly structured, ill-informed, profanity-ridden paragraphs. Stick with my advice on enough topics and you won't have to worry about planning for your retirement anyway, you'll die much too young.

First off I'd like to give fair warning and just let you know up front that when I confront an issue, I like to think "outside the box". With "box" in this context of course meaning vagina. I refuse to be clouded by sex while speaking on important issues.

For example, I like to take a different perspective on the economy than you may be used to. You're probably used to hearing political and financial analysts point their fingers at Wall Street or greedy CEO's or inefficient and corrupt government. But I like to focus on how these hard times weigh on Joe Taxpayer. To use a phrase that I just made up right now, "How does what's happening on Wall Street, affect you on MAIN Street." I know, pretty clever, right? So, before you shit on yourself with anticipation, here is my contribution to Section 121 of the proposed bailout plan:

"Nothing in this subsection shall be construed to authorize the public disclosure of information that is - A) specifically prohibited from disclosure by any other provision of law; B) specifically required by Executive order to be protected from disclosure in the interest of national defense or national security or in the conduct of foreign affairs"

.........Ok, so I lied. That doesn't have anything to do with the average person, but I'm pretty proud of it anyway. What I was basically trying to say with that addition is that if anyone tries to link me to gay sex, they can be tortured. Really, I can't take too much credit for the finished product. All I did was write "I ain't no fag" on a napkin and gave it to an intern along with a thesaurus and they rewrote it for me. Also, later in section C, I write in $1.4 billion of Wachovia stock to be donated to T-Boone-Pickens.com.

In the long run, I think overpaying for private companies' bad debt by heaping onto an already massive national deficit will benefit everyone. So in closing, unless you're a rich 72-year old with 9 houses and 13 cars, you may want to take out a hardship withdrawal from your 401k and invest in a Rosetta Stone language DVD and learn Mandarin. Have a great week!

Do You Like the Thrill of Murder? If So, Read On

Welcome to the land of enchantment. It's a world of wonder, excitement, natural beauty, and neck tattoos. If you are looking for part time work in roadside construction, you have found your fantasy world, my friend. Not convinced yet? You will be after I finish outlining the benefits of a state that most people generously consider a part of beautiful and thriving Mexico.

1. Affordable Public Transportation:

Sure, you've probably never considered setting foot on one of your city's disgusting portable homeless toilets, but don't let your better judgment scare you away just yet. You see, Albuquerque's mass transit system is different; They will join with you, hand in hand, in a partnership to set you up for success. For example, have you ever been late for work, foolishly sleeping in that extra five minutes and hoping to catch the green lights in your car? Now that you've switched to Albuquerque's public transportation, you can consider this a problem of the past. You see, with Abq Ride, we foster an environment of punctuality. You will no longer think of staying in bed for an extra five minutes. In fact, you will be forced to wake up at least two hours earlier than would normally be accepted as necessary for your short work commute. With our erratic schedule, if ever want to be on time, you will wake up to catch the 6:30 bus just in case. Albuquerque also actively advertises its many travel options, leading one to believe that environmental cleanliness is a priority in this great city. Before you are scared off by that assumption, let me assure you with my next point that this is simply not the case.

2. The Unparalleled Freedom of Governmental Neglect:

I know what you're thinking: "Murph, Albuquerque sounds great, but I hate worrying about a clean city. I want to leave my old cars on my lawn." Well you might as well load up the U-Haul, because you are in luck. Despite the appearance of environmental concern, as a privileged resident of this fine state, you are more than welcome to leave whatever refuse you see fit strewn about your property. You not only have the freedom to place rusted garbage in plain public sight, you can leave it there as long as you like, without the slightest fear of being hassled. You can rest easy at night with the secure knowledge that your fourteen year old daughter's toddler will enjoy the same discarded oven that you enjoyed as an illiterate child. And with the lack of overwhelming and smothering governmental interference like funding for education, you are free to teach your children the important technological skills of the future, like how to live off the land.

...Coming in future installments: "The Rich Local Culture" and "We've Got the Largest Per Capita Prison Population in the Country. That Means All the Bad People are Already in Jail"

Murph's Chicken Shack: "They Don't Understand They're Being Killed, They Just Know It Hurts."

We need to start showing animals who's the boss. And by showing them who's the boss, I don't mean strapping them down in front of TVs while Tony and Angela have a light-hearted debate about gender roles in 1980's America. Although I don't think anyone would argue the fact that that would also be a very good idea.

What I mean is that we need to stop treating animals like they have souls. Everyone knows that it has been scientifically proven, again and again, that the soul is an anatomical feature specific to humans. It was given to us by God himself when we agreed to let Him randomly select who goes bald.

Anyway, to get back on topic, humane treatment of animals has gotten out of hand. I've even seen restaurants advertise that the animals that they serve were treated ethically.

Well, I say, fuck that. I'm starting my own chain of restaurants that will openly disregard hygiene, laws, and widely accepted moral standards. It will be fast food chicken, and I've already come up with a basic premise for my ad campaign. Let me know what you think:

Setting: A midwestern farm. A farmer is up at dawn to feed the chickens.
Date: A simpler time

Narrator: You know, here at Murph's Chicken Shack, we've heard all about those other restaurants, treating their chickens like people. Making sure they're tucked in at night; No holes in their jammies. Well, that's just fine for them. To each his own, as we like to say. But we like to take things a little bit slower here on the Murphy farm. Call us old fashioned, but we treat people right, not animals.

(Farmer shows his young son how to break a chicken's neck as camera fades into a present-day Murph's Chicken Shack filled with families)

Narrator: When you set foot in a Murph's Chicken Shack, you know that your meal was prepared with you in mind. We keep the chickens right here on-site, safely stuffed by the hundreds into unheated metal pens. Then, when you place your order, your chicken is carefully hand-selected out of the healthy and living candidates. This process ensures that not only will your meal be fresh, but also that only the strong, delicious chickens reach your plate. Once the lucky winner is chosen, this is where Murph's Chicken Shack is set apart from the competition.

At other restaurants, you may be forced to passively stand by while your meal is prepared. Well, at MCS, you become a part of the fun. You and your family are ushered into the cooking area and seated comfortably in one of our spacious viewing booths to watch as the chicken is slowly submerged and drowned in a sweet and smokey blend of hickory bbq sauce and home-grown spices. As you watch on, the animal is periodically removed and re-engulfed in the delectable seasoning until its will is overwhelmed with flavor and its consciousness submits to your hunger.

From that point, it is only a few short minutes before your conquest is complete, and you envelop the chicken's essence as a part of one of our six affordable combo plates. And for those of you out there who need a little bit extra, don't forget to Macho Size your meal with an extra large Mr. Pibb and onion rings; Because at Murph's Chicken Shack, you have it the way nature intended.

Murph's Chicken Shack: "They Don't Understand They're Being Killed, They Just Know It Hurts."

I'm Not Very Much Like Bruce Willis. I'm More Like One of the Random Pedestrians That He Kills During One of the Chase Scenes

I will be back with a vengeance soon. And by "with a vengeance", I don't mean like the Die Hard movie, I mean like writing distasteful blog entries about pooping and recently deceased celebrities.

Yankees Dump Lidle in Salary Cap Move

In baseball news, God sured up his bullpen yesterday with the aquisition of Yankees' pitcher Cory Lidle. The veteran was traded to New York earlier this season along with Bobby Abreu near the trading deadline, but recently wore out his welcome by not informing the team of his impending death. The events were set into motion during the team's division series matchup with the Detroit Tigers in which third baseman Alex Rodriguez effectively ended his teammate's life with an 0 for 3 performance in game 4. When reached for comment after the game, Rodriguez stated, "Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But all I can say is that my lack of production killed our pitching staff in this series". No word as to whether or not Rodriguez will be charged in the case. Yankee captain Derek Jeter also added, "There are times that you just play a team on a roll. In this series, we really just flew into a wall that was the Detroit Tigers.".

Ok, so I'm a dick. But come on, how is this guy anything but a moron? After only having his pilot's license for a few months, he made the decision to take his plane out in bad weather over Manhattan, which he then crashed into a building, killing innocent people. Say, for example, that he had instead been speeding in his porsche in the rain and killed two people; Would people be so understanding and sympathetic then? Fuck no, they wouldn't. They'd be talking about what a terrible person he was for being so reckless. Well an inexperienced pilot flying around the most densely populated area in the United States in bad weather is being reckless. I bet the people in the apartment complex that woke up to a plane in the face would agree with me.

oF coUrse you Can spell espn liKe that, YOU piece of shit

I understand that some people really want to be on TV. For me personally, I don't think it's worth it to look like a douchebag for 3 hours just so that ESPN will show your "Sportscenter is Next" sign for 4 seconds in the tenth frame of the PBA Omaha Open. Just like I won't sell my cow for magic beans, I won't trade sucking TNT's dick for an entire Spurs game just to get my face on Inside the NBA. But if you are going to accept that trade-off, there have to be SOME rules. The only one I have for now is that you have to spell the network's acronym with the first letters of the words on your sign. For example:

Eagles
Sack
Pennington
Now

= acceptable

lEbron
jameS
Peed
oN me

= unacceptable

The autistic guy that runs out to pick up the stand after kickoffs can come up with a four word sign with the letters E, S, P, and N sprinkled somewhere throughout the words. Now all he needs is a non-toxic marker, a pair of safety scissors, and your ticket and you two are interchangeable.

I'm Not a Good Person

Highlights from the new Sunday night NFL on NBC:

"As Peyton Manning puts aside his personal hatred of blacks to connect with Marvin Harrison for 12 yards, let's go down to Pam Oliver for a report on clothes and pink stuff."

"Thanks Al. I talked to Colts coach Tony Dungy at halftime, and even though his son is dead, he still feels optimistic about his team's chances to defend against Tiki Barber and the rest of the Giants ground game in the second half. As for the question of his racial background, he thinks he might be part Indian. Back to you Al."