Do You Like the Thrill of Murder? If So, Read On
1. Affordable Public Transportation:
Sure, you've probably never considered setting foot on one of your city's disgusting portable homeless toilets, but don't let your better judgment scare you away just yet. You see, Albuquerque's mass transit system is different; They will join with you, hand in hand, in a partnership to set you up for success. For example, have you ever been late for work, foolishly sleeping in that extra five minutes and hoping to catch the green lights in your car? Now that you've switched to Albuquerque's public transportation, you can consider this a problem of the past. You see, with Abq Ride, we foster an environment of punctuality. You will no longer think of staying in bed for an extra five minutes. In fact, you will be forced to wake up at least two hours earlier than would normally be accepted as necessary for your short work commute. With our erratic schedule, if ever want to be on time, you will wake up to catch the 6:30 bus just in case. Albuquerque also actively advertises its many travel options, leading one to believe that environmental cleanliness is a priority in this great city. Before you are scared off by that assumption, let me assure you with my next point that this is simply not the case.
2. The Unparalleled Freedom of Governmental Neglect:
I know what you're thinking: "Murph, Albuquerque sounds great, but I hate worrying about a clean city. I want to leave my old cars on my lawn." Well you might as well load up the U-Haul, because you are in luck. Despite the appearance of environmental concern, as a privileged resident of this fine state, you are more than welcome to leave whatever refuse you see fit strewn about your property. You not only have the freedom to place rusted garbage in plain public sight, you can leave it there as long as you like, without the slightest fear of being hassled. You can rest easy at night with the secure knowledge that your fourteen year old daughter's toddler will enjoy the same discarded oven that you enjoyed as an illiterate child. And with the lack of overwhelming and smothering governmental interference like funding for education, you are free to teach your children the important technological skills of the future, like how to live off the land.
...Coming in future installments: "The Rich Local Culture" and "We've Got the Largest Per Capita Prison Population in the Country. That Means All the Bad People are Already in Jail"