Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Do You Like the Thrill of Murder? If So, Read On

Welcome to the land of enchantment. It's a world of wonder, excitement, natural beauty, and neck tattoos. If you are looking for part time work in roadside construction, you have found your fantasy world, my friend. Not convinced yet? You will be after I finish outlining the benefits of a state that most people generously consider a part of beautiful and thriving Mexico.

1. Affordable Public Transportation:

Sure, you've probably never considered setting foot on one of your city's disgusting portable homeless toilets, but don't let your better judgment scare you away just yet. You see, Albuquerque's mass transit system is different; They will join with you, hand in hand, in a partnership to set you up for success. For example, have you ever been late for work, foolishly sleeping in that extra five minutes and hoping to catch the green lights in your car? Now that you've switched to Albuquerque's public transportation, you can consider this a problem of the past. You see, with Abq Ride, we foster an environment of punctuality. You will no longer think of staying in bed for an extra five minutes. In fact, you will be forced to wake up at least two hours earlier than would normally be accepted as necessary for your short work commute. With our erratic schedule, if ever want to be on time, you will wake up to catch the 6:30 bus just in case. Albuquerque also actively advertises its many travel options, leading one to believe that environmental cleanliness is a priority in this great city. Before you are scared off by that assumption, let me assure you with my next point that this is simply not the case.

2. The Unparalleled Freedom of Governmental Neglect:

I know what you're thinking: "Murph, Albuquerque sounds great, but I hate worrying about a clean city. I want to leave my old cars on my lawn." Well you might as well load up the U-Haul, because you are in luck. Despite the appearance of environmental concern, as a privileged resident of this fine state, you are more than welcome to leave whatever refuse you see fit strewn about your property. You not only have the freedom to place rusted garbage in plain public sight, you can leave it there as long as you like, without the slightest fear of being hassled. You can rest easy at night with the secure knowledge that your fourteen year old daughter's toddler will enjoy the same discarded oven that you enjoyed as an illiterate child. And with the lack of overwhelming and smothering governmental interference like funding for education, you are free to teach your children the important technological skills of the future, like how to live off the land.

...Coming in future installments: "The Rich Local Culture" and "We've Got the Largest Per Capita Prison Population in the Country. That Means All the Bad People are Already in Jail"

Friday, December 01, 2006

I'm Not Very Much Like Bruce Willis. I'm More Like One of the Random Pedestrians That He Kills During One of the Chase Scenes

I will be back with a vengeance soon. And by "with a vengeance", I don't mean like the Die Hard movie, I mean like writing distasteful blog entries about pooping and recently deceased celebrities.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Yankees Dump Lidle in Salary Cap Move

In baseball news, God sured up his bullpen yesterday with the aquisition of Yankees' pitcher Cory Lidle. The veteran was traded to New York earlier this season along with Bobby Abreu near the trading deadline, but recently wore out his welcome by not informing the team of his impending death. The events were set into motion during the team's division series matchup with the Detroit Tigers in which third baseman Alex Rodriguez effectively ended his teammate's life with an 0 for 3 performance in game 4. When reached for comment after the game, Rodriguez stated, "Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But all I can say is that my lack of production killed our pitching staff in this series". No word as to whether or not Rodriguez will be charged in the case. Yankee captain Derek Jeter also added, "There are times that you just play a team on a roll. In this series, we really just flew into a wall that was the Detroit Tigers.".

Ok, so I'm a dick. But come on, how is this guy anything but a moron? After only having his pilot's license for a few months, he made the decision to take his plane out in bad weather over Manhattan, which he then crashed into a building, killing innocent people. Say, for example, that he had instead been speeding in his porsche in the rain and killed two people; Would people be so understanding and sympathetic then? Fuck no, they wouldn't. They'd be talking about what a terrible person he was for being so reckless. Well an inexperienced pilot flying around the most densely populated area in the United States in bad weather is being reckless. I bet the people in the apartment complex that woke up to a plane in the face would agree with me.

Monday, October 09, 2006

oF coUrse you Can spell espn liKe that, YOU piece of shit

I understand that some people really want to be on TV. For me personally, I don't think it's worth it to look like a douchebag for 3 hours just so that ESPN will show your "Sportscenter is Next" sign for 4 seconds in the tenth frame of the PBA Omaha Open. Just like I won't sell my cow for magic beans, I won't trade sucking TNT's dick for an entire Spurs game just to get my face on Inside the NBA. But if you are going to accept that trade-off, there have to be SOME rules. The only one I have for now is that you have to spell the network's acronym with the first letters of the words on your sign. For example:

Eagles
Sack
Pennington
Now

= acceptable

lEbron
jameS
Peed
oN me

= unacceptable

The autistic guy that runs out to pick up the stand after kickoffs can come up with a four word sign with the letters E, S, P, and N sprinkled somewhere throughout the words. Now all he needs is a non-toxic marker, a pair of safety scissors, and your ticket and you two are interchangeable.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Rule #4: Avoid Skeletor

Three rules for a successful job interview:

1. Match the body language of the interviewer
You can't be leaning back in your chair and eating a bag of cool ranch Doritos when your interviewer is sitting like they have a 30-inch dildo duct-taped up their back like a He-Man sword. It's just unprofessional. Conversely, if they're relaxed in their chair, you can't sit there like your trying to make it easier for someone to fuck you in the butt through the hole in the back of the chair. What I'm trying to say is, act like they're the cool kid in middle school. Put your hair in a scrunchie, buy a G.I. Joe lunchbox, do whatever it takes. God knows you're not going anywhere on your talent.

2. This isn't the time for modesty
Sure, in day-to-day conversation you might not feel comfortable bragging, but this is a job interview. If you're gonna trick someone into hiring you, they need to know your strong points. Is your penis over 8 inches? Do you kick ass at Halo? Just like women, respectable business people are fascinated with things like that. Qualifications, education and people skills are overrated. If you have time, earn some bonus points by throwing in some old high school sports stories.

3. Demand respect through your confidence
Every pussy shakes hands. Set yourself apart by hurling feces and making unprovoked threats. Ninety percent of interviewers make up their mind about you in the first fifteen seconds. Make a good first impression by asserting your dominance. Remember, YOU are the alpha male. Have sex with a female passerby, preferably impregnating them. If there is food in the room, immediately stand between it and any challengers. If there are others waiting to be interviewed, secrete liquid from one of your exocrine glands to stave off any further advances.

So, there you have it. Follow these three simple steps and you will be on your way to obtaining the job of your dreams. Guaranteed*.

*100% guarantee that you will immediately get any job on Earth or I will give you $1,000

Friday, July 28, 2006

Looks Like Suicide Again For Me

Anyone who knows me understands and accepts that I have my own way of dealing with things. Some might call it immoral; others might say illegal or unstable. Whatever floats your boat, my friend. For the purposes of this post, let's just settle on ingenious.

Anyway, today started out just like any other day. I woke up 2 hours late, rubbed one out to a Jewel video on VH1, and then got my electric bill in the mail. While I was going over the usual list of things that I could sell/steal and sell to pay it before all the expired mustard in my fridge was ruined, all of a sudden, it came to me. I realized that suicide would actually be a much easier and smarter way to deal with my temporary problem. Once that decision was out of the way, the only thing left to do was to come up with the coolest way to end it.

The first qualification for any successful suicide is its ability to permanently traumatize a large number of people. Well, since no one loves me, I had to improvise on this. It has to be in public.

Any first-hand witness will inevitably be scarred for life, regardless of whether or not they know me personally. So where do thousands of people gather in Albuquerque where they won't be distracted by price-slashing yellow smiley faces? College football games, that's where.

What some of you might not know about New Mexico is that it sucks. That's why you don't live here. So instead of reading or building a civilization, people all over the state flock to UNM football games to celebrate a proud tradition of losing obscure bowl games. Don't let these fans' illiteracy or lack of connection to the university trick you into thinking that they aren't hardcore Lobo supporters. They never take their eyes off the action. That's exactly what makes this the perfect stage.

I realize that the college football season hasn't started yet, so this doesn't exactly take care of my electric bill right away. I might have to accept being homeless for a couple of months. I guess that's where my committment to this whole idea will really be tested. Assuming that I can live off of the kindness of strangers for two months, I really don't see any other obstacles to my plan. And if I know the intelligence, selflessness, and comedic ability of hobos like I think I do, I really don't see that being a problem.

Consistent with the philanthropic theme of this idea, I've also decided to pay for my own funeral by renting out the space on my body during the suicide to advertisers. I've reached a tentative deal with a poker website called PokerSuicide.net for my upper back, and the Ab Rocker has committed to my ripped mid-section. Pretty much anywhere else is still available if anyone is interested. No adult websites though, there might be children there.

Friday, July 07, 2006

You Liar. Strawberries Aren't Even in Season.

There are certain days in your life where something special happens; Days where everything comes into focus, your viewpoint is changed forever, and your life is set on a new and exciting path. Sorry, that day isn't today for you. Good luck, though.

No, today is just another day that makes me question whether or not I died somehow and I just don't remember it, and now this is all my elaborate personalized hell. If it is, I've got to hand it to Satan, because this homemade strawberry cheesecake left over from the office's July birthdays celebration is just fantastic. I guess this can't be hell because a piece of cheesecake like this is just a little slice of heaven, am I right girls?

Besides, this is way too complex. If I was in charge of creating each person's hell, I'd probably just do something simple like eat their face. Or maybe give them an eternity of that feeling that you get when you first swallow something that goes down wrong, and for a minute you're so convinced that you're gonna suffocate that you just start grabbing and pulling on people's shirts. I've seen Navy Seals turned into scared, confused toddlers when a sip of juicy juice that was headed for their tummy went down the wrong pipe. And let's face it, there aren't too many things worse than being a scared confused toddler. When the dog steals your favorite blanket, your whole world falls apart. And the sound of Matt Lauer on TV in the morning is like the voice of God. Bad example, some things never change. Matt, you are a special one. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, that's right, nothing. It's quitting time.

(Loverboy's "Everybody's Workin' For the Weekend" plays as Shane exits the office)